Roller Coaster

Past few days have been a roller-coaster. I was put at risk of redundancy at work. I love my office - the building and amenities. I like my job because I’m comfortable with what I do, perhaps too comfortable. I don’t want to leave but then I’m probably not working at my full potential. I can do more than what I do now and that includes what I do in my spare time.

I have been made redundant before but I had a choice back then – move up north with the company or be made redundant. It is different now – I have a choice that is not mine to make. More like there are options which “may” arise before the actual decision on redundancy is made.

This feels like a test of my faith. I have told people (more like testified) that God came through for me when I was made redundant before. Yes, He did come through for me but in retrospect the outlook was a lot less gloomy – I didn’t have as much debt and liabilities as I do now, the economy was not in recession, I was a tad bit younger (I’ve managed to find the secret to youthfulness so I don’t age as fast as a calendar), had more self confidence ‘cause I was a big fish in a smaller pond ….

Now I feel like I have to trust God, I have to walk in faith like I advised friends, I’ve got to find another job or start a successful business otherwise, I will really have to trust God. Yes, I’ve just gone back to the very beginning – trust God, depend on him, believe that this will all work out for my good. How do I trust Him?

... Stop worrying? That’s almost impossible when bills keep arriving on schedule.
... Start listening to Him? That’s difficult, when I am struggling to pray as much as I used to.

How do I trust Him and yet play my part in the process? My part is to pray and ask for His guidance, to find and apply to relevant vacancies, to keep focused at work, home and church. God will decide what and when the next steps will be, with whom and where I will find favour…

What is my purpose in life?

People, or rather pastors and church leaders keep talking about finding your purpose in life. Discovering what you were created to do on this earth. In the Christian communities your purpose almost always has to be charity work or something along the Christian ministry lines. For many years I have been trying to discover my purpose but it seems to change with my location, my job, my network of friends… and I am still quite confused about this “purpose” stuff.

• I once thought my purpose in life was to be a creative evangelist, spreading the Good News through a series of covert activities – I soon ran out of ideas for these missions and got frustrated by the lack of response.
• I once thought it was being a photographer, taking pictures and reflecting beauty in everything and everyone, including those tagged as ugly – I moved to a different country and saw that most things were already beautiful.
• I once thought it was to mentor young people who were struggling in areas that I had struggled with in the past – I often found that the young people could also mentor me in areas that I am struggling with now.
• I once thought it was to serve in ministry – but I’m struggling to believe that I have found my purpose. While I get some fulfilment from serving, I also get very disturbed when I feel things are not done my way. It seems the more I serve, the less perfection I see.

When I think of purpose, I believe the only way to find it – is to find what you love to do. Something that you can do 24/7. Something that you feel you can do till you die. Perhaps something that you have to do before you die or in other words – you won’t mind death once you have done or started doing it! A good example is Mother Theresa who died doing what she was supposedly created to do.

Perhaps I am struggling with my purpose only because I’m at the wrong level of Maslow’s hierarchy of need (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow). Maybe when I get to Self Actualisation I might just discover what my purpose is.

Or have I actually known/walked in my purpose(s) at the various seasons of my life? Maybe purposes do change with time and circumstance.

Planning my funeral

I was listening to “God Is Here” by Martha Munizzi and it is one of those songs that make me want to plan my funeral. Not that I’m thinking of dying anytime soon but there are just some songs that make me feel like planning my funeral. Another is “In Christ Alone” by Stuart Townsend.

The thought of dying used to scare me a lot until I read “The Shack” by Paul Young (and that is not an invitation for Satan & friends to bargain with God for my death) but now I sort of think that if God allows it then it is probably for the good of the everyone/everything else.

What are the pros or cons to me dying?
Pros
1. Death in service benefits for my listed beneficiaries
2. Someone gets my job / better job security for my colleagues
3. No more worries (for me)

Cons
1. Loved ones will miss me (I can count on my oldest niece to miss me)
2. Purpose in life not completed – not sure I have even started
3. No descendants (for me)

I think I will be ready to go when I have converted the cons to pros. For example:

• my loved ones may miss me but it would be a pro if they had the understanding & confidence that I had gone to meet my God and was in a better place. And that they must walk with God in order to be re-united with me.
• my purpose / mission in life has been identified and actions taken to fulfil it or for others to carry on with it
• descendants!!! I guess if it is part of my purpose / mission… No way, I can’t finish that – I want to get married someday. Somewhere in the bible it says to every living thing, God will give a mate. I still want mine.

First blog

Finally created my blogspot account. I've been dreaming about this for a while now.

I plan to write a few lines whenever I need to talk - happy, sad, moody or excited.

If you just wandered to my blogspot please do wander back here soon.